TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT!
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming ‘euthanized!’
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I’m sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?
(240): Banned from zoo.
(301): Again?
(323): Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I’m not fancy.
(718): you kept yelling ‘bird cage’ in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant ‘free bird’ and you said ‘fuck you, i’m not gay’, needless to say you were kindly escorted out
(913): The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers… You should at least give back 60 of them.
(330): Little spoons don’t ask big questions
(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That’s how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.
(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can’t be drunk.
(631): there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
MORE TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT! Rated: PG-13 - R
(816): dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
(254): you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
(917): It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
(434): Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
(612): I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
(703): I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off! (1-703): I see a marketing opportunity